Fear

Fear is the root of life. As of now, I don’t think that’s actually a saying, but it’s true… isn’t it? We act on fear: fear of failure, fear of losing something or someone, fear of change, fear of letting people in; fear rules us. And to tell the truth

 

I am scared.

 

Life has been throwing a lot of shit my way and truly the only thing that has affected me is my family. Without going into details, because it doesn’t matter and you don’t care, but my dad, my mom… they’re my world. My dad has to be okay because I can’t think about the alternative.

 

I have been afraid for as long as I can remember. I was afraid to make friends and I honestly don’t know that I ever have. I’m afraid of changing. What if I make the wrong choice and things are worse than before. I’m afraid of being alone but I’m afraid of opening up and letting people in. I’m afraid of not being something great in this life. I think I need to give this one up. I don’t think I’ll ever be who I wanted to be.

 

I am scared.

 

I am too fucking scared to be who I want to be.

I am too fucking scared to do what I want to do.

I am too fucking scared that I’ll lose the two people who mean everything to me.

 

Fear is the root of my life and it rules me.

Anger and frustration steep inside my gut.

And one day, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle this combination of fear and anger.

I think it might actually be a dangerous combination, but I’m too scared to try to fix it.

 

This is still me. Forever and always.

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